wait till spring

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I keep hearing that the “nights” will be the worse, and up until last night I didn’t believe it. I’ve been so tired, that sleeping has came easy. Last night, I went to sleep knowing that I didn’t have to wake up early today and that brought me so much anxiety. I have filled my house with noise and people, that waking up to a silent, lonely house absolutely terrified me.

The thought of the morning sun rushing in, and waking up without him filled me with so much fear. Fear of my emotions, and fear that I would cry. I’ve been doing so fucking well, but that fear is the one thing that keeps me awake.

I have been feeling so strong and indifferent, but still there was this nagging feeling in my heart that it was fake. That my peace of mind and strength were all just a face. It felt like this was the quiet before the storm and IT WAS. Last night, I tossed and turned thinking of every possible outcome to this weekend. Who would he meet? Who would he sleep with? Will he, 100% confirm that he made the right decision? And even when every question plagued my head and made me lose my mind, I still came up with the same resounding answer “He does not love you.”

I am fooled by love stories said and done, and experiences others have lived. I see people find love after heartbreak and people coming back together. All very likely possibilities, but none my truth. So I ache, I ache for my soul that is so desperately trying to find itself and for my heart that longs to be healed. Why can’t I have a happy ending?

I know that moving forward is my only option, and I am doing my best.  But some days I feel like I have been sucker punched.

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I always plan for things like this, but this time, I was taken by surprise. I sat there drinking my cold beer at the bar and I could feel your eyes burning right through me. It’s been so long, and I never thought I’d see you again. But immediately you smiled, and I knew that it was going to be one of those nights.

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te vienes a mi casa y te quedas conmigo hasta que se te pase lo de este cabron hijo de puta

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All who we are is lost. And sometimes we must find ourselves. My strongest virtue is my ability to persevere. I am a beautiful person , and some day I will flourish. Thank you god for surrounding me with such amazing and loving people even when I don’t believe in you. I am stronger for all the love that I have felt, but even stronger for all the love I am yet to feel.

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The person I thought, loved me the most in the world… Broke my heart. And yet some how these past 2 weeks, have been filled with so much love and support. I generally feel isolated from the world, but the world has taken it’s arms and wrapped me in its comfort. I’ve always doubted whether I am a good person or not, but so much love has got me thinking that I deserve the best kind of love there is to have. Besides, this is only a breakup, I’ll get over it. No one died. Haha

The person I thought, loved me the most in the world… Broke my heart. And yet some how these past 2 weeks, have been filled with so much love and support. I generally feel isolated from the world, but the world has taken it’s arms and wrapped me in its comfort. I’ve always doubted whether I am a good person or not, but so much love has got me thinking that I deserve the best kind of love there is to have. Besides, this is only a breakup, I’ll get over it. No one died. Haha

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May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor.

The odds are never in my favor. You win some, you lose some. I tend to lose A LOT. I cant blame this failure on anyone but myself, but I have to not dwell.

Dwell:

to live or continue in a given condition or state:

to dwell in happiness

Is that a real example? Dwell in happiness? Most people dwell in misery. And believe me, I am miserable. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles right? That fucking cookie. Who comes up with these fucking sayings? Why can’t it be simple like “sometimes you fall in love, and then they fall out of love” and slap you in the face with those cold harsh words?  The fuck.

I get it. I am not perfect.  But I keep hearing that love is unconditional, and I thought that maybe this time it was “real”. But it wasn’t and now, I don’t even want to move.

I for one, didn’t expect this. Not because I felt like things were perfect, but because everything was so beautiful with him. I thought we were growing, loving and learning about each other. Flaws included. I have so many flaws, but nothing is unconditional. 

For the past 2 ½ years, I have live my life with him and never pictured my life without him. But I can’t make him love me, so i must move on… and learn to be alone and miserable. Till the misery dies, and i get to live again.

Can I start counting the 500 days of summer now? This is day 2 :)

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Everything is all I have to give you
And I’m afraid it ain’t enough
And you’re not so young that you believe me
Just because I say it’s love
And even if they come to steal you tomorrow
I’ll know my smile was yours
Go ahead and chase your dreams and your freedom
Run, run wild wild horses

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I sat there, at my ceremony, half drunk as the heat had sobered me up and I couldn’t be more shocked that it took me 8 years to get my degree. What a joke! 

I know. It’s not too bad. 

I wasn’t surprised to see my family there. We tend to really be there when it’s necessary. But the true show of character came soon after. In an effort to relive my youth, I decide to throw a little party. For good old times sakes.   

The weather was perfect, but cleaning and setting up made everything so hot. My brothers and my sister hustled to get things done. And every time I looked outside my wonderful boyfriend, was there picking something up or putting up lights. Tired from working long shifts, staying up late to do my cap and waking up early for my ceremony. Not once did he complain.

I can gripe, about how many times I’ve gotten my heart broken, or how my dad failed me as his daughter… or how much I regret moving back to LA. But if destiny is real, it all happened for a reason, because I met the most important man I would ever meet in my life. 


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#bigsean